I’m not sure when exactly the struggle to get through everyday overtook the desire to write. I still write, of course, but for my deadlines and for my pay-checks. I haven’t written for myself for a long time now. No poetry, no essays, no blog posts, no small stones. And I’ve given up journaling – which after almost thirty years of mostly unbroken diary-keeping (even with entries at 8, grumbling about my younger sister), is a painful thing to endure.
As the year came to a close, I felt like I have run out of time. There was no time to do anything but keep try to get through the day without yelling at the three-year old, without sacking the maid, without flinging something to smithereens, without cracking the fake smile plastered to my rapidly unrecognisable face. The person I see in the mirror (mostly when I’m giving M a bath – where is the time to look, otherwise?!) is not Me. It’s an ugly, grumpy woman that I don’t like. She scares me.
A New Year is my favourite time of the year. It gives me hope that the next twelve months will be better than the last (and the last were definitely an improvement over the year before, so that’s proof). I strangely don’t have resolutions for 2013, but I’m sure I’ll have a concrete list by the week-end. That’s what January 1 does to me. It also makes me re-think where I want to go this year. Time, then, to think about my Word for the year.
Do you have one? Last year, I chose ‘Adventures’, but I didn’t have many of the kind I wanted. The year before, it was ‘Risk’, which was good, because it kind of pushed me with taking chances with my writing.
This year, I want to go back to being a marketing machine and have quality work coming out of my ears. I want to be busy writing. I want to have some structure to my writing life. I want to do some ‘serious’ work. I want to make lots of money (I do have a number written down in my beautiful Excel spreadsheet, with monthly goals, of course!), I want lots of by-lines, I want more F.U.N. I want more flowers in my garden and in my hair. I want to make friends. I want to meet new people. I want to see old and new places. I want to do clean-ups in my town and make it prettier than it already is. I want to go running. And I want to take those paintbrushes out, the ones that haven’t been unpacked since we returned to India in 2008.
I want to Begin Again.
But I don’t yet have a word for 2013.
Choosing the word is not unlike trying on shoes or gloves for the perfect fit. As you try on several words you instinctively know the one that appears to invite you into its presence.
There are a lot of nice words that other people have chosen and it is such pleasure to read the reasoning behind why they chose their words. I liked ‘Home’, Light, And Light again, Do (which would be a terrific prompt for me), celebrate (which I should really be doing more). Like me, Lindsey is still waiting for a word as well.
Here are my potential words (chosen from Ali’s fabulous list of words):
- Abundance (of ideas, of money, of time, of love),
- Act (don’t wait for deadlines to creep up, do that clean-up right now, shut up before it is too late, Smile),
- Less (less crap work, less anger, fewer calories, less computer time, fewer tears)
Let’s see where this goes. Happy New Year, everyone. May the coming months be filled with quiet peace, good work and the freedom to live our lives the way we want to.